food from hell

guess what..today, just before coming to college I had a great idea..why not wear these super cool cargos I had bought like forever ago... i used to love these things...they used to super comfy and real cool. Imagine my shock when I try em on..and dagnabit!! they dont fit no more..
ever since I came here my food habits have been horrid, I only eat junk and I cant even cook anything if I wanna since I have an ongoing feud with my roomie...the roomie from hell..actually no, not from hell, i imagine the people from hell to be really cool, misunderstood blokes..and the ones in heaven the people who got away with something or the other..they somehow managed to fly under the divine radar.
Now I shall recount an experience i had yesterday, I came back home tired as hell and hungry enough to prolly eat a horse or two...i dont know how that expression came to be..i mean, who would eat a horse, unless it was another horse, in which case we'd be talkin bout horse cannibals..he he, im picturin a weird ass horse in my head, named, hannibal lecter...
god, i think i should get more sleep..
so i was hungry, and as i went online...my browser drifted to www.chompmenus.com, which is this huge online delivery source for pizzas, burgers, wings...and so many other food items which are collectively referred to as junk food..
tottering on the brink of that precipice falling into which would have resulted in me ordering a delivery..I decided not to..instead I made me a souper meal, blech!!
no, blech is not venusian for "delicious" that would be rookobooboo, dude, you really need to brush up on your venusian..
just go over "Dr.Celestovich's handbook for languages commonly used in the solar system" it is guaranteed to help..
or as they say on pluto..at least untill it drifted away.."boo kaka oo kaka choo choo" which means thats the way the cookie crumbles, or the plutonian equivalent of a cookie..which is called a baked thermo nuclear predocnis...and it doesnt really crumble, it melts down..
newho..my point is that I managed to not go for the delivery..so mebbe my will is not as weak as i thought.. i hope not..because, i hate bein fat and overweight..
yea, thas bout it..

oo joo bamboo bamboo
(english translation: oo joo bamboo bamboo, ha ha gotcha)

magus.

souper meal...

I bet many of you are wondering about what the title is all about.....well, see, nissin makes these instant ramen soup things..and thats what they are called..souper meals..they are bland as hell, however one eats what one must in order to keep the ol' system keepin on goin...

life has been kinda weird for me lately, what with the band and everything, and the coursework in the university is not  getting any easier..maybe thats why they call this a masters course.

In my head I have this picture, where two schools of software engineers are meeting, there has been placed a challenge between the two schools..and now the students face each other, snarling at the enemy over their laptops

and then there is a sudden silence as the masters step forth, one has been schooled in the misty mountains of ohio, in ohio state university, he is a master of computer science and is reputed to have killed over a million viruses with a single line of code...deadly indeed..

the other, has been trained in the killing heat of california..he is reputed to have created a software package so notorious that it spawns horrors of its own..he named it windoom 99..

and to this day no one has found a way to rid the world of its plague..

the masters clash..

algorithms called out with the force of incantations..data structures lashing at each other, chaos itself...finally just as the students are about to think that there is no end to the battle, one of the masters calls out an algorithm at O(n) time, however, the other master invokes the same algorithm in O(log n) time...thereby making it a little faster..

just as the algorithm is about to strike down the master who was slightly slower, the Pcs in the room running windoom 99, overheat, thereby causing a chain reaction which triggers a nuclear meltdown...there is nothing in the aftermath except silence,

and then in the apocalyptic darkness, a screen flares to life,

it is a blue screen and it reports..

"mankind had to be terminated since it performed an illegal operation, do you want to send a report to whoever gives a crap? oh sorry, they had to be terminated too since they suddenly decided not to give a crap.."

when did we become the tools and the computers, our masters?..

magus.

iris..

and i'd give up forever to touch you..

cause I know that you feel me somehow

you're the closest to heaven that i'll ever be

and i dont wanna go home right now..

 every single time I hear this song...i feel like the singer actually lives every thing the song talks about..and the song kinda flows out and sweeps over me.. gets me thinkin..

now dont get me wrong, i aint gettin all mushy and stuff...that stuff was somethin i would have done a while ago but not the current version of me.. I tried the mushy and cheesy path, the one where you actually speak your heart...the downside to that being, u'd better have a real strong heart coz its gonna be trampled..and used like a frikkin doormat..

so now im goin for a different approach, complete and total nonchalance.. thats the way to go..

dont be a jerk, but dont be a contestant for the nice-guy-of-the-year prize coz it really is true, girls dont really care for the nice guys, they go for the ones who r bein assholes to them..

while that extreme is definitely not for me...i decided that i aint gonna be goody two shows no more..

he he, kinda got interested in this one gal only to learn that shes commited....darn it!! but naah, who am i kiddin, prolly wudn have worked out neway.. and dudes!! i dunno what the hell is wrong with me, but it seems like im into women who r kinda older than me, i aint talkin bout Jeez grandma!! if neone thought that i am gonna visit you in your dreams and sing the entire list of nursery rhymes off key....ha! in yo face..!!

neway...mebbe the truth is, i find most girls who r of the same age as me to be too darn childish, all they ever think about is the wrapping on the package and never about the contents of the aforementioned package..

and i dont think its pathetic to admit to the world that you are feeling lonely, you are just feelin what anybody would feel if they were in the same situation...theres nothin to be ashamed of bout that...and those sharp pangs you feel when you see couples out and about, totally basking in each others company, dont worry bout it.....we all feel it too...

theres nothing gung ho about pretending that you are emotionless and cold, that would be as stupid as dropping the iron on your foot, and then saying "Nope, no pain"....then silently you walk back to your room, shut the door, turn up the stereo and scream... only retards would do that..and im most definitely not a retard.

and as far as seeing forever in someones eyes is concerned, that happens all the time, its a guy thing..he he, we like to dream.. what re ya gonna do eh?

but heres the funny thing, every single time im out there, looking at the stars spread out above...i cant help calling out to her, cause I know shes somewhere out there, thinkin bout where the hell I am..and every second im not with her is a second too long..

see, im much harder emotionally now...yeah right!!

neway....weird ass post eh?

sowwy dudes!!

latero..

magus

creating a red black tree

what you shall encounter right now is the report im probably going to be turning in on monday as part of my programming assignment....the assignment is to create an implementation of a red black tree...

as most of you probably guessed I have other things on my mind which are quite more important than creating red black trees...if someone came up to me and informed me of the fact that the world was going to end in another hour, day, week or month I can think of a gazillion other things I would rather do than go about creating red black trees....and besides I myself am partial to the green ones that the gods have already created for us..leave it to a software engineer to go and try to outengineer the creators of the universe..

I am ashamed to admit that I have failed to create the required red black tree.. however I shall explain as to why I was not able to acheive the required objective.

I asked around in all the nearby shops, and even did an extensive search of the internet...no one stocks red black tree seeds, I wont say that the journey was entirely wasted, I learned a lot of interesting things about trees, mainly connected with what a guy and a girl could do given a tree and a reasonable amount of privacy...fascinating reading..

so then I figured maybe a red black tree was not created from the ground up, but maybe it was the result of an ordinary tree's transformation.. what followed were cruel and sadistic experiments on all the trees in my neighborhood, i tried everythin, trash talkin to it...swearin at it..insulting its tree ancestors (i hated myself for that by the way)...kicking it (physical therapys been goin ok..)..punching it (boxing gloves saved my hands from becoming pulp)..and then I started with the chemical warfare..pouring this and that on it..the trees turned...green went to brown, and then varying degrees of brown, and so on....but never a hint of red or black..darn it..!!

the closest I ever came was when I threw some of the lunch my roomate cooked onto it...the real deep brown tree seemed to contemplate for a moment the meaning of existence, and time, and life in the way only a tree can..it sighed, it shuddered, it shivered, it belched, farted and keeled over and crashed into the ground.. and yes, I did send samples of that meal to the forsenics people..it had enough poison to kill a blue whale.. oh dont worry about payback, its gonna happen as soon as my "BOOM!! blow it up yourself..!! for dummies aka beginners" package comes in..

so to conclude I realized that creating a tree which is red and black is impossible, unless one paints it...oh my god....thats the frikkin secret...I have found the path....happy day..!! 

will write report of how painting job goes, and will also include gps coordinates of where resultant tree/work of art can be found..im so gonna ace this assignment...wonder what im supposed to program though....mebbe my teevo at home....

runs off to hardware store, all the surviving trees in neighborhood let out enormous sighs/burps/farts....and then return to doing tree-like things

magus..!!

depression...

many people think that depression is somethin that one can just grow out off, just shrug it off and be on your way.. if only it were that easy.. the real truth about depression, at least the way I see it.. every single thought of yours becomes firmly, extremely firmly...based in reality.. you experience a unique view on the world, and the way it works..you see the way things stand in your life, you see the friends who are standing behind you, and you see the foes gathered around you..heres the bad part.. this insight, comes all at once..and lingers..

imagine, such a torrent of information unleashed on your hapless mind all at once..it would be the mental equivalent of calmly placing a ton of bricks on a man who just decided to stretch his arms by raising them high..nasty..

when this mood sets in no other stream of thinking can get through, no happy thoughts, no jokes, nothin...coz heres the thing, every happy thought and every joke is basically a truth that has been wrapped up in such a fashion as to be funny or attractive...however, the depression filter in your mind as I shall refer to it, strips away this wrapping and exposes the truth at the core of the statement..thereby deepening the mood you're in..

and this is somethin I wanna laugh at, I'm depressed at the very moment im writing this, and I dont even know why.. its got somethin to do with the way my studies are goin on.. I am not workin at all, and due to some lucky turn of events I have been able to score decent marks on a few tests till now...but I know that the fall is coming...im real scared bout that..

its also got somethin to do with the fact that at my core...at the temple of my soul which is hidden deep within my being..im nothin more than an extremely lonely person...and im not even one of those by nature. I love talkin and sharing with others..i like talkin bout anything and everythin..and i suppose that my true nature is quite a sociable person..but I've been supressing that avatar of myself for as long as I can remember..and I cant stop..

And while its downright pathetic to admit that I want someone to be there for me, I do admit it..

cause I have to believe that the first step in solving a problem is admitting that it exists..

I wonder where this journey goes, this thing called life.. its so weird..we've been given the spark of life..and here we are on earth.. but whats the meaning behind it..there has to be somethin right? this couldnt all have been one gigantic mistake...or a coincidence..

that line of thought is enough to make one sit down on the street and start laughing...laughing because everything is so pointless..

maybe thats why we created this complex structure called society...and the so called 'system' within which we exist now..

the system is so screwed up that it is corrupting our lives every moment..however, if we remove it..we remove our reason for existence...and that would be the end of life and humanity as we know it.

I also wonder where we go to after death..cause I am a firm believer in the afterlife...

or i wonder if i should call it life, and call this the dream, or the sleep...before we awaken and step forth into meaning..into the light...into reality...into life...

magus.

the key to ones power

before i start off on my usual rant let me first show you a line i came up with..

"the difference between following a dream and not is being someone who made it and someone who didnt.."

back to my rant..

have you ever felt an explosive burst of anger within yourself....its like a fire that just ignites..and the resulting energy is so enormous that you feel super alive..every sense of yours is amplified hundred fold..

humans evolved from our primal ancestors, the first cavemen were rudimentary beings who relied on nothing more than their instinct to get through their days, and getting through a caveman day usually meant fighting off mammoths, sabre tooth tigers, and lil squirrel like things runnin after acorns (ice age anyone?  :)    ) and to last through one of these days, our ancestors needed to descend to the same level as the creatures they were fighting..

pure, powerful, all consuming, delicious, intoxicating RAGE..

in todays world everything is governed by diplomacy, and you do not find use for the primal instincts...which we have buried deep within layers and layers of so called civility..

recently i had this incident with another person...and while the incident itself passed without event (i fought him verbally, and beat his ass with barely a thought...)

its the aftermath which interests me..

I find that I cannot even think about that filthy lil worm without my vision turning red and my spirit energy goin through the roof (bleach anyone?  :)    )

I just wanna pulverize every bone in his pathetic excuse for a body..and heres the funy part..

I am not a violent person, talk to people who know me and Im sure that among the colorful adjectives they will use to describe me, you will not find "violent" you will however find "stupid, crazy, completely nuts, and !$%!%!@$%! which is the closest human translation to the original martian statement...

why was the martian angry at me? it involved a coupla beers, a water hose, and a martian strip club.....go figure... I mean how could I have known that the water would not come out the other end...

ahem..!! back to what I was saying...

so why is it that im so angry at this person? I have no clue, but I think my ancestors in their furs, holding their war clubs are up there somewhere...hollering at me to crush this lil rat...

i wish they would not entice me so...

weird post huh? I know, i just wanted to put this out here..

neway,

catcha later..

magus.

my journey

does anyone recognize the title....? well, any scrubs fans out there? its the same name as an episode from scrubs, i dont know which season...

i've been having a strange and interesting time recently..back when i was home, in india, i used to always tell myself that once i came to the US everything would become ok...i would have friends, i could pursue my interests...and so on...well, though not everything has come true like I'd hoped..some of them have become reality...and I am grateful to my gods above..

i've made a group of real good friends here....they are americans, and they accept me for what I am... they made me feel right at home when they called me over for dinner one day, and then surprised me by calling me over for a sleepover the next day..now see, while most of you must be thinkin, so what? whats the big deal? we do sleepovers all the time..

lemme explain..

last time I did a sleepover was when I was in the 7th grade..and that too with one of my closest friends, and we lost contact shortly after that.. i suppose that it was after that point when my aura changed from neutral to dark....i guess I ooze a kinda negativity, many people have described me in that way....truth is, it aint negativity that Im propagating....its cynicism..

i believe that with the way things r right now, there is no other way of looking at the world..

if you look at it in a beautiful, puppy dog tails, sweet, sunshine....kinda way its gonna screw you over, and bad....you're gonna be like "holy crap, what the **** was that?".....

if you look at it in a completely negative frame of mind, then you are not gonna live....in the true sense of the word...u will look at everything in a dark fashion..and treat them accordingly..there is no fulfillment to be found on that path..

however, being a cynic gives you room to treat things in an intermediate sort of way...the result? you dont get ur ass handed to you by life....nor do you go around with "doomsday" written all over your face..

hence im a cynic..

for all of you guys who are looking it up in the dictionary right now, and saying "this dude doesnt know what he talkin bout, that aint what cynic means..."

this is the way i define a cynic...so there..

so after the 7th grade sleepover, its never happened again..

im just thankful to my gods above, that they are watching over me...

sorry bout the dull post..

later

magus.

hey there,

so im far away from home, on my own so to speak....or is it so? since i did not work before joining for the masters course, im bein taken care of by my parents...they r payin for me to stay here and take my courses.. and recently i find that the urge to splurge has been takin over a lil bit, in fact, its been takin over a lot....and i have no idea bout how to deal with it. I have always prided myself on bein able to keep a level head about spendin money and that kind thing, however recently i dont know... 

the worst thing is my conscience...it packs a huge kick in the nuts whenever i spend....and for whatever...just the other day i swore to myself that i would not order pizza....and then in an instant of extreme hunger, a few clicks of the mouse...and bang, a hot pizza on its way over..

did i enjoy eatin it? hell yeah... the aftermath...

my conscience dropped the mental equivalent of an A bomb on me....and so may it be known to one and all, that upon my honor as the son of my parents...i shall not waste their money any further..

on another matter...i have always wanted to play in a band...and i did give it a few tries back home..tried to get some stuff goin, but nothin ever worked out....once i came here, i've been able to observe how hard these bands work to get their stuff out there...and mebbe, jus mebbe, the secret behind it, is the amount of work they put in...

and it doesnt stop at the work...the money they put in, at times even slaving away at menial jobs, hangin on to the flickering hope that there is a better tomorrow out there somewhere...

mebbe, this is what separates the actual bands from the wannabes...

i suppose the question to be asked is, at what point must one stop following a dream?? wouldnt it be brilliant if there was some instruction manual for this..sad part is, there isnt any such reference for us to go to, in case we are in doubt....

so what I do is simple....whenever I pray to my gods...i ask them for the continued health and safety of my family whom i love more than the very air i breathe, forgiveness for my sins, and ask them to please put me on the right path....and then theres a part of my being which puts in another weird request...askin the gods to merge what im doin with what is right....

does that happen? heaven knows....but im askin neway..

theres somethin i know beyond ne doubt though..for what seems like the first time, im happy...not all the time..but in occasional flashes..and it feels like being awakened from a long sleep...

but now i gotta sleep for real, its kinda late...so catcha later..

magus.

the guy with the ipod..

interestin title huh...? well this ones about me....bwa ha ha, actually they all are...coz its all blog so there..!! the guy sitting all alone in the back bench with an ipod on, this is a phrase I use a lot.. and like most neone who knows me would have figured out...its about me...im the guy whos sittin in the back with the pod on..

everytime i looked to the others in the class, there were people who i wanted to interact with... guys i wanted to become friends with....girls i wanted to become friends with...or mebbe even go out with.. actually, definitely go out with... but I just sat there doin nothin...why? I have no clue...

people tell me that I have to break out of my shell or whatever.. but the fact of the matter is, it aint easy....im comfy in my shell..no one threatens me or mocks me inside this place.. however, its only now that Im here...past my college days, that I can feel the pinpricks of regret about the people I didn't get to know..

its not like I did not try anything at all....I did make a few attempts but suffice to say that nothin worked out...and I got disheartened...

Im happy to say that i think im finally making the attempt to make friends...and i think im doin ok with it.. i have managed to acquire four or five friends here in the US which is more than what I could ever have done back home...

thats one thing im glad about..

now lets talk about parties....

people say that goin to parties is a lot of fun..lemme try and analyse that...we are talking about a room full of people who are drunk or well on their way there... and the ones who are not drunk are usually capable of similar heroics without alcohol...in such a scenario..how can anything interestin come out..? I know i know, when people get drunk lotsa interesting things might come out...come on dude....get your mind out of the gutter for a sec..

and then people say that you can meet new people....get to know them....and so on...lets think about what a typical conversation might look like...

"hey there, im bob"

"hey bob, im alex"

"are you a new student?"

"yea, and you?"

"yup".....  

"so, you're in computer science too?"

"yea"

"which courses have you taken?"

" blah blah and blah, and you?"

"oh, i've taken blah, blah and blooh...so we have two common courses.."

"yea...."

"yup...."

"cool huh?"

"yea.....common courses...what are the chances..!!"

"actually if we account for the mutual probability here, lemme see....thats 140 factorial by....UGHH!!"

the UGHH at the end was alex socking bob on the nose...

as bob falls, he calls out the finished calculation with all the force of a curse...it hits alex in the ear...and hes out like a light too...

alternatively...

"hey there, im bob"

"hi, im lisa"

"so.....do you have a boyfriend?"

"yea....i do..." bob notices that lisa looks sad and worried...

"he aint treatin you right is he?"

"what makes you say that?"

"your face looks worried..."

and then lisa tries to speak when bob draws in every inch of courage and speaks..in a tone worthy of an arthurian knight on a quest

"he must be a real piece of crap to make a beautiful girl like you feel bad, why if i could get my hands on him..."

lisa shakes her head dejectedly...

shadow falls over both bob and lisa..

"my dear, your misery has clouded my vision......will you go out with me, i'll make it all better" shoots bob....putting it out there in the open.....hes takin a shot on this one..

"that aint my misery bob"

"oh no? what is it then?" enquires bob, not really interested, hes suddenly noticed that lisa is wearing a tight tee...

"thats my boyfriend's shadow"..

this is what followed.... bob + kung pow = blob... there wasn't much left of the poor critter..

third and final scenario....bob comes in realizes that nothin good is gonna come out of bein at the party...and he pretends to get a call on his cell phone...walks out....goes home...and blogs...

im like bob...not meanin that I get beat up by hittin on someone else's girl...or that I can work out  probability jus like that...i would avoid such a party too....

thas it for now...

later..

magus..

evenins on the pier..

one day, me and my friend vinay were walkin down marine drive in cochin..my hometown.. we were talkin bout this and that, completely random stuff using loud exclamations now and then and extravagant gestures..he was doin these cause thats just the way he talks...i was doin these cause im jus weird like that..we kept on goin and goin, and suddenly on our left side we saw this pier sorta place, the gate was closed, but we squeezed in through gaps..actually vinay used his sonido to get through and i used my shunpo..since he is an espada, and I am a shinigami captain these things are second nature to us..(for those of you who do not get that part...its from the japanese anime Bleach)

once we were inside, first thing i noticed was that the place was clean, it did not smell like someone had taken a gigantic leak there..which basically describes over 50% of cochin...i think it must be somethin about the large amounts of water in the state that causes people to just let loose all over the place..when they say you can see backwaters and lagoons in kerala, they should prolly throw in somethin like "and yonder you can see the paths created by contant streams of water generation from the average malayalee"....newho...so this place was clean...and it was deserted except for this homeless dude who was sleepin close to the waters edge..i joked to vinay "wanna kick him over?" and this line has been repeated every single time we have been there since...now that i come to think of it, someone should prolly check that dude for a pulse..

we sat down near the edge..looking out onto the sea....it was an extremely windy day and i love the wind..we sat there and talked..talked about everything under the sun..and i have never felt more alive than when i was there with him..all through my days I have always felt like Im living the life of someone else, i dont feel like the skin im in is my own...however sitting there with him, talking bout stuff, i could actually breathe... i loved that place.. so from then on we would ask each other "hey wanna hang out at the spot?" and then when this got redundant we coined a name for it "el pierro de muerto" i think that means pier of death in spanish...strange thing to call a pier..especially when to the best of our knowledge no one had kicked it there...well, we were tryna be creative so frikkin sue us... after that i took two of my juniors there..we sat and talked..and once again had a nice time..

this was the one place in the city which i loved more than any other..something about it was removed from the usual definitions of everyday reality...it was almost like we were stepping through an interdimensional doorway to another plane of existence.. where there were no classifications like dork, nerd, jock, wimp....or ne of the other umpteen labels that todays society brands us with...in short, I am of the opinion that the world is plagued..and it is only a matter of time before the earths antibodies kick in and eradicate the source of that plague..namely us...however this place, it seemed to be pure..

i know that you people must think im tlakin an awful lot about nothin more than an ordinary pier..but i guess im aiming more at what the pier represented to me, vinay and my other friends..

the usual pattern of events went thus..

1.we'd get there

2.we'd talk for hours

3. my mom would call, and the conversation would go thus "NIKHIL, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? GET HOME IMMEDIATELY.." "BUT MOM, IM 21 I CAN STAY OUT AS LONG AS I WANT"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

"I CAN STAY OUT AS LONG AS I WANT"

"YOU FILTHY UNGRATEFUL MATERIALISTIC %$%@#%^&$%^&#$%#$@#$^$*&#$^&..."

"DONT SHOUT"

"WHOS SHOUTING?"

"YOU ARE?"

"WHAT? NOW YOU THINK IM TOO LOUD? YOU THINK YOU CAN LECTURE ME ON LOUDNESS?"

"NO, I JUST SAID EITHER SPEAK LOW OR GIMME SOME MONEY"

"MONEY FOR WHAT?"

"MY EAR DRUM REPLACEMENTS"

"THINK YER FUNNY DONTCHA?"

"NO, BUT I THINK YOU ARE..."

"!#$%#^$&#%^*#$%^@#$^!#$^$%&$^ "

4. I tell vinay i need to get home, he calls me a girls name...and we leave..

5. I wish we didnt have to leave...

heres to el piero de muerto..

magus.

brothers..

there is always this special connection between siblings.. im talkin bout the normal cases here, not the shit like the bollywood crap in which bro tries to kill bro for the family fortune...(hmm, i should keep a closer eye on my bro mebbe,,,)

in my life, my younger bro is more of a best friend sorta person to me than nethin else, we can talk bout close to nethin, and we have a lot of fun discussing anime, music, sitcoms, movies, games and all other kinds of stuff...besides, he really gets my humour style, and laughs at all of my jokes..or at least deigns to smile... our poor mom is left defenceless when we double team on her, its like witty return after witty return...i love the kid to bits...we do fight now and then..but its always temporary..both of us seem to have acquired that trait from my dad, who can never remember what a fight was about ten minutes after it ends..

and then theres this friend of mine from back home whom i consider equivalent to a bro...both of us r so alike that we can in most cases guess what the other is thinkin or gonna say.. initially we were surprised every time this happened but then we were like "oh yea, since its us, no biggie..."

now that im so far away from home, im missin both these bros of mine...

however, my anger retention problem only exists with close relatives and family, when it comes to neone else i can hold a frikkin feud untill the universe itself burns out...and mebbe even after that...i'll be a collection of carbon atoms, and all the atoms will be real pissed at another set of carbon atoms...and thus we will be locked in brownian motion mortal combat for the rest of eternity...scary picture..but im sure that i'd make kick ass atoms...!!

consider this scenario, the apprentice walks into the academy ready to learn from the masters and the other senior students there, he respects one in particular....and tries to cultivate a friendship with him.. how would it be, if this person turned out to be nothing more than a shallow, egoistic, dead pan, dead beat, no good, effed up excuse for a human being....things would become pretty interesting eh? thats exactly what is happenin to me right now, and this apprentice refuses to reel in shock, the force is strong within me, and I shall not be walked over...I am not anyones doormat....except for my parents...no one else has the right to patronize me...i wont take that shit..

i dont know what this guy has up his sleeve? its like we are anathema to each other...im sure, that if we did become friends it would be like a positron goin and tellin an electron "yo, lets hang out" so the electron after takin a lazy puff of its sub sub sub atomic cigarette  says "yea, whatever, cool"....they hang out, combine, explode releasing a burst of energy which eliminates the universe...(matter-anti matter recombination in case anyone is wonderin).. and then mebbe if u concentrate you can hear the whisper of a voice groaning "i knew I shouldnt have eaten that burito, darn you pico taco bell!!"..

long story short, i despise this guy, and if he comes up against me again, i will END him..

weird post huh?

will try for a better one next time..

peace,

magus.

a lil about home..

during the days leadin up to aug 6 (the day on which i left cochin), a lot of people asked me the same question "are you gonna miss this place?".. to all of them i had the confident reply...NO..!! no frikkin way....miss this place with all its mosquitoes, power cuts, traffic jams, and umpteen other problems....yea i would miss it...like someone might miss a headache...which is to say that they wont...and i was so sure i wouldn't,..

so why am I going onto wikipedia...and searching for my hometowns name? searching for the familiar landmarks and temples....looking for pictures...anything...

i dont know....i do miss cochin...i miss it a lot...there are certain things about the place which no other place can replace...Im in Florida now, and the US is amazin...its everythin I'd hoped it would be and more..yet I miss cochin..

and in this hour of uncertainty I cling onto my gods...since it is only them who can grant me some solace...

its ironic aint it? a guy spends 22 years of his life stacking hope upon hope onto this place which he has dreamed of since he was capable of dreamin....he comes over, and he realizes that mebbe there was more to his home than he ever saw...

dont get me wrong, im not sayin that im gonna drop everythin and run back home to mud wrestle...(reference to the swades movie..)...im sayin that there has awakened in my being a new found respect and love for my hometown..cant wait to come back during summer 09..

the world is most definitely goin down a self destructive path...and heaven knows how much longer mankind can go on...things are lookin grim.. however, there is somethin that a lot of people are missin when they look at the world...the earth magic..

if ne one says "Cool..!! Star wars..!! hes gonna talk bout the force" im gonna clobber ye silly..im the only jedi in the room and in this world...Hah!!

neway....when i say earth magic...i mean the magic inherent in all living things...the spirit or the soul..that invisible energy which drives us..

earth magic can be felt by us, but each one of us finds it in different ways...for me, i find it in the sunset...i find it in the wind...i find it in the roar of the ocean as it sweeps in...i find it in the rain..

that subtle presence or awareness which says nothing and never makes any complaint against the rape and pillage mankind does to the earth every instant...this awareness....seems to just watch us...almost as if in sadness...

if it wanted to speak Im sure it would say " I have given you so much, so many chances...if only you would listen to your heart....if only you had listened...."

if only we had listened...

if only..

magus.

crowds...i hate em..

yea, the title pretty much says it all.. i cant stand bein in a crowd, .. if im with 3 or 4 people who i know to a decent level, then im completely in my comfort zone...however put me into the middle of more people than that....whom i know nothin of....suffice to say that I shall not be the life and soul of the party...

when one thinks about it...the concept of fun...it differs from person to person....however, in this world which is getting increasingly collective...people feel the need to conform, in order to make sure that they are not left standin by themselves.. i think its the same concept which applies to parties...its not that a  lot of people like being in the party environment, its just that the alternative scares them a lot...

as for me...ask me what fun is? I love jamming with my band...i love reading manga..and working on my novel...i dig watching sitcoms and romcom flicks...i also enjoy deep meaningful conversations with people...fun is also when I have managed to achieve somethin, and that phone call back home when Im about to tell my family about it...as always, I start off telling my mom that I didn't make it...and she starts to console me ( im sure shes screamin at me inside...  :)   )

and then BANG!! I tell her that I did infact make it....and shes like....whoa..!!

that is fun for me...does that make me any different from the rest of humanity,,? I do not think so...

however every person i talk to tells me that I should be more outgoing, I have always found that word hilarious....asking someone like me to be outgoing is like suggesting to the hydrophobic person "why dont you take a dip?" and when he vehemently shakes his head to indicate refusal....you lift him up and toss him into the pool....

REACH INSIDE YOUR EXCUSE FOR A BRAIN AND FLICK THE LIGHT ON YOU RETARD..!!

just coz you like boozin and gettin wasted...and barfin all over the floor....dont make it the accepted behaviour... effin retards..!!

DEFINE YOUR OWN FUN.....DO NOT GO WITH THE FLOCK...

peace out..

magus.

my favorite desert,,

to all of you out there who figured i screwed up spelling desert....i am talkin about the huge expanse of nothin but sand....and not bout what u gorge down after a meal....

college was a horrid experience for me, there was never anything good about those four years except for the occasional arts fest that came along...when i was instantly elevated from obscurity to near fame as a guitar player...and even those events obeyed the law of gravity...and i aint talkin bout the apple go boink on your head thing...im talkin bout the whatever goes up must come down rule..and trust me, this applies to a lot more than apples or nethin else that could go boink on ur head or ne other part of ur anatomy..

but this post isnt about college...its about the way i survived those four years...every single break that came along, my mom, lil bro and me, we would head over to join my dad in dubai..

this was bliss for me.. escape from the banal existence i'd been condemned to.. goin to dubai was always so much fun, we went mall hopping (thats where, you enter a mall, stand in the center and after makin sure that enough people are watching, you start hopping about like crazy..the other indians there think ur possessed, the arabs think you're complaining about the rent situation, the americans and europeans do not see you since they are on another plane of existence, and the jamaicans move towards you and join in with the hoppin, jamaicans are jus crazy like that)..for those of you who are staring at the screen open mouthed...u bought that?? GET HELP.....NOW....dumasses..!!

me and me bro went to shoot pool which was so much fun..we played air hockey, went out to dinner with the whole family, went on long walks..jus walkin on and on...with no particular purpose..and the one thing about the city which shall always stay with me...

the lights...

the city never becomes dark...there is always an amazing amount of light present within the confines of this concrete colossus.. and the light aint the sort that makes you cringe away since you blew your eyes out...this is the soft kind of light, changing in hue..moving about..something about those lights transcends technology...makes one think about a time, when the entire place was nothin but a sea of sand watched over by the moon..

and dont even get me started on the food..

i love dubai...and always will,and once i finish my masters...im gonna see if i can get a job there...

somethin about that city has got inside of me...and i think it has become home..

so...on that note..i shall end this post..

i know it aint long..but i jus felt that i should say somethin about the place that is closest to my heart...

later guys..

nrv.

online dating

in todays world...its funny enough that we have managed to computerize things that were previously established in a completely human domain...now we are trying to create a cyber form of the only pure thing that is left on earth...namely, love.

I am talkin bout online dating services..(whats that? you're happy that u figured out what this articles bout from the title? gosh golly jee, i'll be darned, a regular genius aintcha...NOT.!! zip it and listen ya noob)

social networking is somethin which I do not believe in, i have found that while such sites are immensely useful to keep in contact with friends who are far away,....they rarely if ever lead to new friendships...i mean, how can they? ur exchanging messages with some person.. u get to know about what music they like, what movie they last saw...and u pretend to agree to their view on life when every single fiber inside is screaming out in defiance, and some fibers are even calling the other person's fibers bad names...yea, fibers are weird like that...

the instant you try to make the connection somethin real, by either askin for a phone num, or by givin ur phone num (what kinda dumass would do that? yours truly...   :)    hence the barely surpressed indignation you hear in my voice...or my words...or whatever..) the other person freaks...and the connection is dead...

suffice to say that I do not get this.

Yea, i know that there are countless freaks on the net....who after gettin such info would make life unbearable for these people, but there are good ones too, who are genuinely tryin to make new friends...and mebbe even look for somethin more..

i suppose the question, when it comes to online dating is, can you take a subscription out for love... if you take the one month package does it mean that you would have less success than if you take the super saver 12 month package...does paying 10 bucks extra to get your pic outlined in red really make a difference...? thing is, I have no clue...the world has come to such a weird place that nothins for certain nemore...

thinkin bout cupid..wonder if he gets his job done using the internet too...(wonder if hes into porn..hmm)...so while earlier the lil angel thingie would shoot his arrows and BANG!! people would fall in love....i wonder what he does now.. sends hatemail? spam?? he he, wouldnt it be funny...he sends you the name of your soulmate...and your mail system puts it into the spam box...ur gonna die alone....!!

dont i have nethin better to do with my time? sure i do....but this is just fun...

and i think i've finally managed to put up a post which keeps to the name, cynichq.....vindicated or somethin like it...

peace out guys...

nrv.

this is your life....are you who you wanna be?

its an amazin song from switchfoot...and the one difference between this one and the gazillion other similar themed songs is that....when i listen to this one, it feels like the song is actually asking me the question....am i who i wanted to be? and the sad answer is a flat no...

wanna know bout the person who i wanted to be?

think about this guy, everyone likes him, he is a pleasure to be around....he has a way with the girls, but hes not a jerk....and there is this one girl hes into....and that girl has the same feelin towards him too....he studies well, he loves his family and they couldnt imagine a day without him...whenever he enters into a room, every eye swivels towards him and he doesnt have a problem with the attention.

The above avatar is what i wanted to be. I have fallen short by nearly everything on that decription. Now, i aint sayin that i dont have time to make it still....but at the moment when i take stock of where i am....its kinda disappointing....i've become so pathetic that im checkin out online dating sites...thats rock bottom as far as that is concerned..

the mind numbing fear that drenches me....takes over my every sense...when im in a crowd and i dont know neone....im blinded by the darkness...and i wanna change, i want to go to people and talk to them..get to know them..make friends....but i cant...because every fiber inside me is screamin out "they are laughing at you.....you are such a waste of space.....just hide...hide"....and i cannot shut out these words no matter how hard i try...

and after the panic has passed, one question arises....if this is the way i am...is it my fate to remain alone....an outcast....a pariah at the gates of his destination, too afraid to go in...and shunned even at the borders...

i have no answer....im just really scared....

i dont know why im recording this in a blog which is supposed to be about cynic thoughts...but i just had to let it out somewhere.....for whoever is reading...im sorry about the negativity in here...its jus the way i feel every waking moment....

nrv.

stand..

there are many kinds of people in the world.. and we all try to live life as we see fit.. as far as im concerned i have always tried to be a good person...a good human human being.. and i know for a fact that im not wicked, twisted, weird or anything...this knowledge gives me great comfort..
however somethin i've been thinkin bout recently.. can anyone be happy bein good if no one acknowledges that goodness? I honest to god dont know..
in my case, my folks and lil bro stand witness to my character..and so do a few good friends...stress on the "few"... and occasionally seeing the way in which they regard me...it feels good..
feels frikkin amazin actually..
removed from them....far away here...im findin it harder and harder to validate myself..and that has always been an issue with me..
and recently, someone actually had the temerity to give me atitude about me trying to chat to them on the net... the excuse bein "I dont chat...so leave me alone ok?"...not that i was snoopin but multiple people told me that the person in question was big on chatting...
so what do i infer from this? the person dont wanna talk to me..? thats perfectly fine..i have no problem with that..what i do have a problem with is the way in which the feeling was conveyed..if you have a problem with someone, at least have the decency to come out and tell them straight out so that they dont go on believing that nothins wrong...
civility and decency are two traits which are disappearing in todays world..they are almost gone....even people who have a lil bit of these hide em coz they r embarassed about the fact that no one else has these...
its funny..after coming here..no group of people have shocked me more than those from my own country.. the darkness within them is deep and calm like the undisturbed surface of a great lake..
there are some of them whom i like a lot...and who are decent guys...
but the majority...sigh...
is it any wonder that there are so many laughable things about indians..?
well i refuse to be grouped along with a race that seems intent on self destruction....
so where does that leave me? I'm just a good human being....nothin more, but definitely nothin less...so there..

nrv.

astral soup...!!

i've never been too good with titles...
i dont mean the ones where they place the ceremonial sword on your shoulder and proclaim in a grave voice "and now I dub thee..... ...."
i mean the ones at the top of an article, blog etc....
lets talk about groups in this one....im in such a position where i can observe the operation of these groups.
One day im walkin along, all fine and dandy...well i was definitely fine...i dont know bout the dandy thing, it sounds kinda queer...
newho...so i saw these "people" of my "country" sitting against the wall waiting for the class to begin..
what im used to here, is that when you see someone you say hi or nod your head...and i must say i love the practice, theres somethin so dignified and friendly about it...however, i smiled at this one person, and guess what....she smiled back at me...we talked, i asked her out...and now we've been goin steady for a coupla days....
NOT...!!
her face did not even twitch....i mean, OMG woman, excercise those muscles...else they're gonna freeze up, and thats one god awful expression you've got on....what was that? you dont have any expression on? wow thats a god awful ugly face...
people get some frikkin manners....no one cares where u were from before..no one gives a crap who you were and who you are...but please for the love of god get some civility into your darn head..
and another thing is, my country people feel safer in groups here...i dont know the logic behind this..i mean, yea, maybe you feel more comfy talkin to people from your own area...but burn it to hell people...you're here not just to study and suck up info.. ur here to grow up...so GROW UP..
start mingling with people who are from other parts..
FRIKKIN GROW UP..!!

elf lord.

your call...

another day...another song..another wasted chance to be the person I wanna be...

I was waitin for the 6th of august to come....i thought that mebbe once i got to the US things would change for me...maybe at long last, I would be accepted...maybe I would find more people like me..maybe I would finally have friends.. reality is oft cruel these days...

the truth couldnt have been further away from my childish fantasy...

no one sees me here...its like once again im invisible... and im hating every moment of it..

ironically enough, its easier for me to be alone...by myself....because then I dont feel like neone is ignoring my existence...coz theres no one there...

which is why, that one phrase comes to mind...I feel most alone when Im surrounded by people...

flashes from my past....sitting alone at the back of the class tryin to appear like I did not need friends....standing in the college bus wishing that someone would talk to me....sitting in one corner of the class at college clutching onto my ipod and hoping that someone would think about me, and come and talk to me....its always been more hoping and more wishing for me...and it seems like life is havin a great time knockin them down one after the other...

when will i be accepted? when will i be able to smile because i want to and not because im required to....

life is sad...

im broken deep inside....

nick.

when a sniper comes to call

yea yea i know, the title is messed up, but then again, isnt almost everythin messed up these days??
how do you warn a friend bout somethin without offending him? the saying goes that if he is a true friend he'll get it, but that aint really true no more. In todays world, egos are everythin, ur entire identity is fused with your ego and this is not necessarily a bad thing, but it sure as hell aint helpin.
This guy i know, he got burnt once, badly, and when i did my bit with the fire he was the one who ran right in and pulled my ass out...and for this im gonna owe him big time. now hes startin to mess round with fire again....and im jus worried bout him i guess...
but then again, one the positive note..hes at least tryin to get to the warmth which is somethin great, for me, the memory of my last attempt is still too darn fresh...and so its gonna be quite some time before i can attempt nethin again.
when one deals with a sniper, one keeps his head low and always moves around from point to point so that the sniper cant get a fix on you, and then once you've distracted him enough mebbe he can be taken out...so i hope my friend does the same..
nothin else happenin, waitin for the 6th o aug to come around...
later..
Nick.

somethin new...

hey everyone...
for a long time, my bdays have been kinda similar..this one girl in my coll would wish me (since her bday was one day after mine) and then if a few people came to know about it from her they would make a huge hue and cry and wish me too....but it was never a big deal since i was quite sure that they were jus doin it for civility's sake.
My dad, mom and lil bro never once missed out on makin sure I had a nice bday every bday....they did try....i shall not say whether they succeeded or not... :)
but this bday,my 22nd one...was AWEsOME...my two best friends along with my mom and bro sprung a surprise on me, i think this is the first one im ever havin...it was amazin...and the coolest thing about this was that they were most definitely not doing it for civility's sake....they were doin it coz they are my friends....and that feels so damn great...
i had an amazin day...i jus wanna enjoy the fact that no matter what i may or may not have....i do have an amazin family (they put up with me and at the end of the day, everyday, they still manage to love still...) and i do have a group of friends who are truly unbelievable.. (u guys know who you are..!!).....thanks guys...
Nick.

florida here i come..!!

hey everyone...its been a long time, but im back...so whassup...?
btw, i got an admit into the grad programme at the univ of florida, USA.. and im leavin india on aug 6th....yaay!!
heres to the unknown, huh? i cant wait, goin there and livin on my own and studyin somethin which makes sense for a change is gonna be so liberating and all i have to say is, "well!! its bout time.."

i know that in certain ways its a huge gamble, but theres always the old maxim of no pain no gain..

so as of now im like really impatient, waitin for the departure its like someone has put my life on pause..

i know that this post is tot not in keepin with the title of the blog, but dont worry, the cynic king shall return soon...
untill later then,
peace,
Nick.

the long wait...i wanna learn zen

yo people..!!
hows it goin? its been a real long time, we're into 2008 finally, and I AM BACK...
good things are finally happenin ...and everything feels good once again...
i am smiling..which i thought i would not be able to do for a really really long time..well for once im glad that i proved myself wrong..
now as i sit here listenin to matt nathansons awesome voice singin songs of lost love and days long past...i find myself wonderin bout what im gonna write...the main reason why i am writin this is so that the future nikhil can look back and have a lighter moment....thinkin bout all the chaos he must have been enduring in the past....
life is reasonably good now, i got selected for the MS program by two univs in the US, am still waitin on a lot of em...keepin my fingers crossed and yea they're almost snapping...
:)
coll is nearly over and thank god for that, i dont think i can stand anymore of that crap...
now its time to move on in life, the great adventure has nearly begun...
and i am excited...
as far as music goes, mebbe i hav to put a lot more work into it, and i thought i would do that once my coll was done with, i guess i will get some time between the close of coll and the start of the MS program....in that time i hope to be able to record a few songs...definitely 'torn apart' and mebbe a few other punk tracks....once i get that done, even if it never sees the light of day...it gonnna be like my own lil piece o immortality...
nothin else goin on...
right now , folks are alernating between really happy and kinda hysterical..happy coz i got selected in the univs, hysterical coz i aint studyin nothin for me finals....but i wanna, i jus cant seem to get started....
anyway, i did go to the temple today....and spoke to god..im hopin that hes gonna help me get movin on with my studies...
thats it for now...will check back in later...
peace be with you..
Nikhil.