wanna know bout the person who i wanted to be?
think about this guy, everyone likes him, he is a pleasure to be around....he has a way with the girls, but hes not a jerk....and there is this one girl hes into....and that girl has the same feelin towards him too....he studies well, he loves his family and they couldnt imagine a day without him...whenever he enters into a room, every eye swivels towards him and he doesnt have a problem with the attention.
The above avatar is what i wanted to be. I have fallen short by nearly everything on that decription. Now, i aint sayin that i dont have time to make it still....but at the moment when i take stock of where i am....its kinda disappointing....i've become so pathetic that im checkin out online dating sites...thats rock bottom as far as that is concerned..
the mind numbing fear that drenches me....takes over my every sense...when im in a crowd and i dont know neone....im blinded by the darkness...and i wanna change, i want to go to people and talk to them..get to know them..make friends....but i cant...because every fiber inside me is screamin out "they are laughing at you.....you are such a waste of space.....just hide...hide"....and i cannot shut out these words no matter how hard i try...
and after the panic has passed, one question arises....if this is the way i am...is it my fate to remain alone....an outcast....a pariah at the gates of his destination, too afraid to go in...and shunned even at the borders...
i have no answer....im just really scared....
i dont know why im recording this in a blog which is supposed to be about cynic thoughts...but i just had to let it out somewhere.....for whoever is reading...im sorry about the negativity in here...its jus the way i feel every waking moment....
nrv.
No comments:
Post a Comment