depression...

many people think that depression is somethin that one can just grow out off, just shrug it off and be on your way.. if only it were that easy.. the real truth about depression, at least the way I see it.. every single thought of yours becomes firmly, extremely firmly...based in reality.. you experience a unique view on the world, and the way it works..you see the way things stand in your life, you see the friends who are standing behind you, and you see the foes gathered around you..heres the bad part.. this insight, comes all at once..and lingers..

imagine, such a torrent of information unleashed on your hapless mind all at once..it would be the mental equivalent of calmly placing a ton of bricks on a man who just decided to stretch his arms by raising them high..nasty..

when this mood sets in no other stream of thinking can get through, no happy thoughts, no jokes, nothin...coz heres the thing, every happy thought and every joke is basically a truth that has been wrapped up in such a fashion as to be funny or attractive...however, the depression filter in your mind as I shall refer to it, strips away this wrapping and exposes the truth at the core of the statement..thereby deepening the mood you're in..

and this is somethin I wanna laugh at, I'm depressed at the very moment im writing this, and I dont even know why.. its got somethin to do with the way my studies are goin on.. I am not workin at all, and due to some lucky turn of events I have been able to score decent marks on a few tests till now...but I know that the fall is coming...im real scared bout that..

its also got somethin to do with the fact that at my core...at the temple of my soul which is hidden deep within my being..im nothin more than an extremely lonely person...and im not even one of those by nature. I love talkin and sharing with others..i like talkin bout anything and everythin..and i suppose that my true nature is quite a sociable person..but I've been supressing that avatar of myself for as long as I can remember..and I cant stop..

And while its downright pathetic to admit that I want someone to be there for me, I do admit it..

cause I have to believe that the first step in solving a problem is admitting that it exists..

I wonder where this journey goes, this thing called life.. its so weird..we've been given the spark of life..and here we are on earth.. but whats the meaning behind it..there has to be somethin right? this couldnt all have been one gigantic mistake...or a coincidence..

that line of thought is enough to make one sit down on the street and start laughing...laughing because everything is so pointless..

maybe thats why we created this complex structure called society...and the so called 'system' within which we exist now..

the system is so screwed up that it is corrupting our lives every moment..however, if we remove it..we remove our reason for existence...and that would be the end of life and humanity as we know it.

I also wonder where we go to after death..cause I am a firm believer in the afterlife...

or i wonder if i should call it life, and call this the dream, or the sleep...before we awaken and step forth into meaning..into the light...into reality...into life...

magus.