The true damage

We rarely know the true extent of the damage we have done to ourselves. In most cases we 'move on' after the incident unaware that the incident's aftereffects still pursue us. Sometimes the only way in which you can move on is by telling yourself that everything is ok, by which we are actually lying to ourselves. Take affairs of the heart for instance, how can things be ok? Every aspect of our day to day life is driven by our self, which in turn is regulated by our emotional wellness, and if some incident has occurred which blows said emotional wellness out of the window, then how can things be ok?

They are not.

In the words of my best friend, "There is a hole in my chest, and I cannot fill it, only ignore it and hope that this works".

This works in the sense that most of your usual activities return to normal, and you are functioning as people around you expect you to function. However, the true extent of the damage, the scars become visible only when we are by ourselves.

I took a look inside myself recently and was scared by what I saw inside, or rather the absence of what I expected to see. A huge part of me has become reduced to nothing, there is simply a void there, and the infection spreads. 

The story which comes to mind is as follows. The child who is confronted by his worst nightmare keeps on rocking back and forth, hugging his knees to his chest, whispering over and over again "you are not real, you are not real, this is not real,,,this cannot be real".... does that make his ordeal any less real than any other element of reality.

The reason for my state is far away from me, but I do have means of contact. One sided contact. The messages are never returned. There is only maddening silence.

The psychological concept of closure after some nerve wracking event, is so important, and the problem with the so called "clean cut" is that it offers no closure.

The "clean cut" concept is the one which says that the only way to take care of a life threatening problem is to cut it off immediately at the source, no questions asked, no goodbyes said, nothing. There is only the swiftness of the blade as it descends, whistling through the air, delivering sweet and terrible release.

I might never be ok without the closure I require, yet there is nothing I can do about this. 

Today I sat here thinking about band practice later, and I thought about taking a break in between practice and coming out of the warehouse and calling someone to talk to. Thats  when it struck me, I had no one to call. Not a single person.

How frightening is that? 

I guess I am probably going to come outside and stare at the stars or something.

damn it all...

wraith.