my classes are over and right now I dont really have anything to do throughout the day. Therefore i sit here lost inside myself. Thats a song from staind, at least part of a song, the lyric goes
"and i sit here, lost inside myself,
remembering all the things you said,
the silence, gets us nowhere
gets us nowhere, way too fast"
i've always loved staind for their amazing expressiveness. Their songs actually mean something more than the typical emo bullshit about some girl dumping some guy. I mean how many times can you tolerate listenin to someone moan about somethin which happened. I am being a hypocrite when I say this because I complain a lot about the things that happened to me.
Of course In mycase I dont complain to anyone in particular since no one listens, i talk to my walls instead. I was talkin to my best friend In india the other day, and I was telling him "dude, i think my walls are about to walk out on me, they have heard enough whining"....he laughed, so did I.
Laughing is important, it doesnt matter how you do it, if you can do it that means you can still be saved. As long as you can find something or the other to make you smile, then that means the next day is still worth living for.
Of course some relationships are doomed to fail even as they start. This is an inevitability. Friendships fading out and so on. I had this one friend back in college and we used to be quite close, I liked him for his honesty and simplicity, and heaven knows why he liked me. We got along famously untill one time, there was this one competition for which we had registered as a team. He had asked me whether I could make it, and I had said yes. At the last moment my laziness engine kicked in somethin fierce and I called him and said I would not be coming. This was followed by more cheapness on my part as I asked him to return the money I had invested in the travel arrangements. For about a year he did not talk to me, but then slowly we started talking again and even became slightly better as far as the friendship thing was concerned. However, it was never the same.
And now I do not even have any contact with him.
The same story goes for so many people, you meet them once and both parties feel like there might be something in continuing the communication. We find out more about each other and so on. If you are lucky this goes on, if not, this fades away. Eventually we all come to that point where watching that new sitcom or reading that novel is more important than asking a friend "how was your day?". It is something essentially human I suppose.
Is every act we do motivated by greed in someway or the other? I wonder about this.
Today, this one friend of mine called me up and asked me whether I could help this other friend of hers move a table into her apt. I said yes and went over to that apt and helped this girl move the table in after which I left. She was not very thankful which irked me not a little. I had walked over to her apt in the hot sun and moved a table in, i didnt know her, and didnt even know the girl who had called me that well. Why did I do it then? Why did I agree to help?
Because I am a good guy at heart? hell no. If I was then I would not even be irked at having received no thanks from her. Thus I think that at some subconscious level my motive was another, less idealistic one.
On a positive note, there was this one friend I have been exchanging emails with for a while. When she got into a relationship, I did the decent thing and backed off so as to not take her time since I know how time consuming such things are. Recently she mailed me again, and we are once again talking. This felt good. I guess it can be likened to the single ray of sunshine that filters in amidst all the darkness.
Life is sad now.
I am constantly depressed.
later.
Wraith.
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