online dating

in todays world...its funny enough that we have managed to computerize things that were previously established in a completely human domain...now we are trying to create a cyber form of the only pure thing that is left on earth...namely, love.

I am talkin bout online dating services..(whats that? you're happy that u figured out what this articles bout from the title? gosh golly jee, i'll be darned, a regular genius aintcha...NOT.!! zip it and listen ya noob)

social networking is somethin which I do not believe in, i have found that while such sites are immensely useful to keep in contact with friends who are far away,....they rarely if ever lead to new friendships...i mean, how can they? ur exchanging messages with some person.. u get to know about what music they like, what movie they last saw...and u pretend to agree to their view on life when every single fiber inside is screaming out in defiance, and some fibers are even calling the other person's fibers bad names...yea, fibers are weird like that...

the instant you try to make the connection somethin real, by either askin for a phone num, or by givin ur phone num (what kinda dumass would do that? yours truly...   :)    hence the barely surpressed indignation you hear in my voice...or my words...or whatever..) the other person freaks...and the connection is dead...

suffice to say that I do not get this.

Yea, i know that there are countless freaks on the net....who after gettin such info would make life unbearable for these people, but there are good ones too, who are genuinely tryin to make new friends...and mebbe even look for somethin more..

i suppose the question, when it comes to online dating is, can you take a subscription out for love... if you take the one month package does it mean that you would have less success than if you take the super saver 12 month package...does paying 10 bucks extra to get your pic outlined in red really make a difference...? thing is, I have no clue...the world has come to such a weird place that nothins for certain nemore...

thinkin bout cupid..wonder if he gets his job done using the internet too...(wonder if hes into porn..hmm)...so while earlier the lil angel thingie would shoot his arrows and BANG!! people would fall in love....i wonder what he does now.. sends hatemail? spam?? he he, wouldnt it be funny...he sends you the name of your soulmate...and your mail system puts it into the spam box...ur gonna die alone....!!

dont i have nethin better to do with my time? sure i do....but this is just fun...

and i think i've finally managed to put up a post which keeps to the name, cynichq.....vindicated or somethin like it...

peace out guys...

nrv.

this is your life....are you who you wanna be?

its an amazin song from switchfoot...and the one difference between this one and the gazillion other similar themed songs is that....when i listen to this one, it feels like the song is actually asking me the question....am i who i wanted to be? and the sad answer is a flat no...

wanna know bout the person who i wanted to be?

think about this guy, everyone likes him, he is a pleasure to be around....he has a way with the girls, but hes not a jerk....and there is this one girl hes into....and that girl has the same feelin towards him too....he studies well, he loves his family and they couldnt imagine a day without him...whenever he enters into a room, every eye swivels towards him and he doesnt have a problem with the attention.

The above avatar is what i wanted to be. I have fallen short by nearly everything on that decription. Now, i aint sayin that i dont have time to make it still....but at the moment when i take stock of where i am....its kinda disappointing....i've become so pathetic that im checkin out online dating sites...thats rock bottom as far as that is concerned..

the mind numbing fear that drenches me....takes over my every sense...when im in a crowd and i dont know neone....im blinded by the darkness...and i wanna change, i want to go to people and talk to them..get to know them..make friends....but i cant...because every fiber inside me is screamin out "they are laughing at you.....you are such a waste of space.....just hide...hide"....and i cannot shut out these words no matter how hard i try...

and after the panic has passed, one question arises....if this is the way i am...is it my fate to remain alone....an outcast....a pariah at the gates of his destination, too afraid to go in...and shunned even at the borders...

i have no answer....im just really scared....

i dont know why im recording this in a blog which is supposed to be about cynic thoughts...but i just had to let it out somewhere.....for whoever is reading...im sorry about the negativity in here...its jus the way i feel every waking moment....

nrv.

stand..

there are many kinds of people in the world.. and we all try to live life as we see fit.. as far as im concerned i have always tried to be a good person...a good human human being.. and i know for a fact that im not wicked, twisted, weird or anything...this knowledge gives me great comfort..
however somethin i've been thinkin bout recently.. can anyone be happy bein good if no one acknowledges that goodness? I honest to god dont know..
in my case, my folks and lil bro stand witness to my character..and so do a few good friends...stress on the "few"... and occasionally seeing the way in which they regard me...it feels good..
feels frikkin amazin actually..
removed from them....far away here...im findin it harder and harder to validate myself..and that has always been an issue with me..
and recently, someone actually had the temerity to give me atitude about me trying to chat to them on the net... the excuse bein "I dont chat...so leave me alone ok?"...not that i was snoopin but multiple people told me that the person in question was big on chatting...
so what do i infer from this? the person dont wanna talk to me..? thats perfectly fine..i have no problem with that..what i do have a problem with is the way in which the feeling was conveyed..if you have a problem with someone, at least have the decency to come out and tell them straight out so that they dont go on believing that nothins wrong...
civility and decency are two traits which are disappearing in todays world..they are almost gone....even people who have a lil bit of these hide em coz they r embarassed about the fact that no one else has these...
its funny..after coming here..no group of people have shocked me more than those from my own country.. the darkness within them is deep and calm like the undisturbed surface of a great lake..
there are some of them whom i like a lot...and who are decent guys...
but the majority...sigh...
is it any wonder that there are so many laughable things about indians..?
well i refuse to be grouped along with a race that seems intent on self destruction....
so where does that leave me? I'm just a good human being....nothin more, but definitely nothin less...so there..

nrv.

astral soup...!!

i've never been too good with titles...
i dont mean the ones where they place the ceremonial sword on your shoulder and proclaim in a grave voice "and now I dub thee..... ...."
i mean the ones at the top of an article, blog etc....
lets talk about groups in this one....im in such a position where i can observe the operation of these groups.
One day im walkin along, all fine and dandy...well i was definitely fine...i dont know bout the dandy thing, it sounds kinda queer...
newho...so i saw these "people" of my "country" sitting against the wall waiting for the class to begin..
what im used to here, is that when you see someone you say hi or nod your head...and i must say i love the practice, theres somethin so dignified and friendly about it...however, i smiled at this one person, and guess what....she smiled back at me...we talked, i asked her out...and now we've been goin steady for a coupla days....
NOT...!!
her face did not even twitch....i mean, OMG woman, excercise those muscles...else they're gonna freeze up, and thats one god awful expression you've got on....what was that? you dont have any expression on? wow thats a god awful ugly face...
people get some frikkin manners....no one cares where u were from before..no one gives a crap who you were and who you are...but please for the love of god get some civility into your darn head..
and another thing is, my country people feel safer in groups here...i dont know the logic behind this..i mean, yea, maybe you feel more comfy talkin to people from your own area...but burn it to hell people...you're here not just to study and suck up info.. ur here to grow up...so GROW UP..
start mingling with people who are from other parts..
FRIKKIN GROW UP..!!

elf lord.

your call...

another day...another song..another wasted chance to be the person I wanna be...

I was waitin for the 6th of august to come....i thought that mebbe once i got to the US things would change for me...maybe at long last, I would be accepted...maybe I would find more people like me..maybe I would finally have friends.. reality is oft cruel these days...

the truth couldnt have been further away from my childish fantasy...

no one sees me here...its like once again im invisible... and im hating every moment of it..

ironically enough, its easier for me to be alone...by myself....because then I dont feel like neone is ignoring my existence...coz theres no one there...

which is why, that one phrase comes to mind...I feel most alone when Im surrounded by people...

flashes from my past....sitting alone at the back of the class tryin to appear like I did not need friends....standing in the college bus wishing that someone would talk to me....sitting in one corner of the class at college clutching onto my ipod and hoping that someone would think about me, and come and talk to me....its always been more hoping and more wishing for me...and it seems like life is havin a great time knockin them down one after the other...

when will i be accepted? when will i be able to smile because i want to and not because im required to....

life is sad...

im broken deep inside....

nick.