iris..

and i'd give up forever to touch you..

cause I know that you feel me somehow

you're the closest to heaven that i'll ever be

and i dont wanna go home right now..

 every single time I hear this song...i feel like the singer actually lives every thing the song talks about..and the song kinda flows out and sweeps over me.. gets me thinkin..

now dont get me wrong, i aint gettin all mushy and stuff...that stuff was somethin i would have done a while ago but not the current version of me.. I tried the mushy and cheesy path, the one where you actually speak your heart...the downside to that being, u'd better have a real strong heart coz its gonna be trampled..and used like a frikkin doormat..

so now im goin for a different approach, complete and total nonchalance.. thats the way to go..

dont be a jerk, but dont be a contestant for the nice-guy-of-the-year prize coz it really is true, girls dont really care for the nice guys, they go for the ones who r bein assholes to them..

while that extreme is definitely not for me...i decided that i aint gonna be goody two shows no more..

he he, kinda got interested in this one gal only to learn that shes commited....darn it!! but naah, who am i kiddin, prolly wudn have worked out neway.. and dudes!! i dunno what the hell is wrong with me, but it seems like im into women who r kinda older than me, i aint talkin bout Jeez grandma!! if neone thought that i am gonna visit you in your dreams and sing the entire list of nursery rhymes off key....ha! in yo face..!!

neway...mebbe the truth is, i find most girls who r of the same age as me to be too darn childish, all they ever think about is the wrapping on the package and never about the contents of the aforementioned package..

and i dont think its pathetic to admit to the world that you are feeling lonely, you are just feelin what anybody would feel if they were in the same situation...theres nothin to be ashamed of bout that...and those sharp pangs you feel when you see couples out and about, totally basking in each others company, dont worry bout it.....we all feel it too...

theres nothing gung ho about pretending that you are emotionless and cold, that would be as stupid as dropping the iron on your foot, and then saying "Nope, no pain"....then silently you walk back to your room, shut the door, turn up the stereo and scream... only retards would do that..and im most definitely not a retard.

and as far as seeing forever in someones eyes is concerned, that happens all the time, its a guy thing..he he, we like to dream.. what re ya gonna do eh?

but heres the funny thing, every single time im out there, looking at the stars spread out above...i cant help calling out to her, cause I know shes somewhere out there, thinkin bout where the hell I am..and every second im not with her is a second too long..

see, im much harder emotionally now...yeah right!!

neway....weird ass post eh?

sowwy dudes!!

latero..

magus

creating a red black tree

what you shall encounter right now is the report im probably going to be turning in on monday as part of my programming assignment....the assignment is to create an implementation of a red black tree...

as most of you probably guessed I have other things on my mind which are quite more important than creating red black trees...if someone came up to me and informed me of the fact that the world was going to end in another hour, day, week or month I can think of a gazillion other things I would rather do than go about creating red black trees....and besides I myself am partial to the green ones that the gods have already created for us..leave it to a software engineer to go and try to outengineer the creators of the universe..

I am ashamed to admit that I have failed to create the required red black tree.. however I shall explain as to why I was not able to acheive the required objective.

I asked around in all the nearby shops, and even did an extensive search of the internet...no one stocks red black tree seeds, I wont say that the journey was entirely wasted, I learned a lot of interesting things about trees, mainly connected with what a guy and a girl could do given a tree and a reasonable amount of privacy...fascinating reading..

so then I figured maybe a red black tree was not created from the ground up, but maybe it was the result of an ordinary tree's transformation.. what followed were cruel and sadistic experiments on all the trees in my neighborhood, i tried everythin, trash talkin to it...swearin at it..insulting its tree ancestors (i hated myself for that by the way)...kicking it (physical therapys been goin ok..)..punching it (boxing gloves saved my hands from becoming pulp)..and then I started with the chemical warfare..pouring this and that on it..the trees turned...green went to brown, and then varying degrees of brown, and so on....but never a hint of red or black..darn it..!!

the closest I ever came was when I threw some of the lunch my roomate cooked onto it...the real deep brown tree seemed to contemplate for a moment the meaning of existence, and time, and life in the way only a tree can..it sighed, it shuddered, it shivered, it belched, farted and keeled over and crashed into the ground.. and yes, I did send samples of that meal to the forsenics people..it had enough poison to kill a blue whale.. oh dont worry about payback, its gonna happen as soon as my "BOOM!! blow it up yourself..!! for dummies aka beginners" package comes in..

so to conclude I realized that creating a tree which is red and black is impossible, unless one paints it...oh my god....thats the frikkin secret...I have found the path....happy day..!! 

will write report of how painting job goes, and will also include gps coordinates of where resultant tree/work of art can be found..im so gonna ace this assignment...wonder what im supposed to program though....mebbe my teevo at home....

runs off to hardware store, all the surviving trees in neighborhood let out enormous sighs/burps/farts....and then return to doing tree-like things

magus..!!

depression...

many people think that depression is somethin that one can just grow out off, just shrug it off and be on your way.. if only it were that easy.. the real truth about depression, at least the way I see it.. every single thought of yours becomes firmly, extremely firmly...based in reality.. you experience a unique view on the world, and the way it works..you see the way things stand in your life, you see the friends who are standing behind you, and you see the foes gathered around you..heres the bad part.. this insight, comes all at once..and lingers..

imagine, such a torrent of information unleashed on your hapless mind all at once..it would be the mental equivalent of calmly placing a ton of bricks on a man who just decided to stretch his arms by raising them high..nasty..

when this mood sets in no other stream of thinking can get through, no happy thoughts, no jokes, nothin...coz heres the thing, every happy thought and every joke is basically a truth that has been wrapped up in such a fashion as to be funny or attractive...however, the depression filter in your mind as I shall refer to it, strips away this wrapping and exposes the truth at the core of the statement..thereby deepening the mood you're in..

and this is somethin I wanna laugh at, I'm depressed at the very moment im writing this, and I dont even know why.. its got somethin to do with the way my studies are goin on.. I am not workin at all, and due to some lucky turn of events I have been able to score decent marks on a few tests till now...but I know that the fall is coming...im real scared bout that..

its also got somethin to do with the fact that at my core...at the temple of my soul which is hidden deep within my being..im nothin more than an extremely lonely person...and im not even one of those by nature. I love talkin and sharing with others..i like talkin bout anything and everythin..and i suppose that my true nature is quite a sociable person..but I've been supressing that avatar of myself for as long as I can remember..and I cant stop..

And while its downright pathetic to admit that I want someone to be there for me, I do admit it..

cause I have to believe that the first step in solving a problem is admitting that it exists..

I wonder where this journey goes, this thing called life.. its so weird..we've been given the spark of life..and here we are on earth.. but whats the meaning behind it..there has to be somethin right? this couldnt all have been one gigantic mistake...or a coincidence..

that line of thought is enough to make one sit down on the street and start laughing...laughing because everything is so pointless..

maybe thats why we created this complex structure called society...and the so called 'system' within which we exist now..

the system is so screwed up that it is corrupting our lives every moment..however, if we remove it..we remove our reason for existence...and that would be the end of life and humanity as we know it.

I also wonder where we go to after death..cause I am a firm believer in the afterlife...

or i wonder if i should call it life, and call this the dream, or the sleep...before we awaken and step forth into meaning..into the light...into reality...into life...

magus.

the key to ones power

before i start off on my usual rant let me first show you a line i came up with..

"the difference between following a dream and not is being someone who made it and someone who didnt.."

back to my rant..

have you ever felt an explosive burst of anger within yourself....its like a fire that just ignites..and the resulting energy is so enormous that you feel super alive..every sense of yours is amplified hundred fold..

humans evolved from our primal ancestors, the first cavemen were rudimentary beings who relied on nothing more than their instinct to get through their days, and getting through a caveman day usually meant fighting off mammoths, sabre tooth tigers, and lil squirrel like things runnin after acorns (ice age anyone?  :)    ) and to last through one of these days, our ancestors needed to descend to the same level as the creatures they were fighting..

pure, powerful, all consuming, delicious, intoxicating RAGE..

in todays world everything is governed by diplomacy, and you do not find use for the primal instincts...which we have buried deep within layers and layers of so called civility..

recently i had this incident with another person...and while the incident itself passed without event (i fought him verbally, and beat his ass with barely a thought...)

its the aftermath which interests me..

I find that I cannot even think about that filthy lil worm without my vision turning red and my spirit energy goin through the roof (bleach anyone?  :)    )

I just wanna pulverize every bone in his pathetic excuse for a body..and heres the funy part..

I am not a violent person, talk to people who know me and Im sure that among the colorful adjectives they will use to describe me, you will not find "violent" you will however find "stupid, crazy, completely nuts, and !$%!%!@$%! which is the closest human translation to the original martian statement...

why was the martian angry at me? it involved a coupla beers, a water hose, and a martian strip club.....go figure... I mean how could I have known that the water would not come out the other end...

ahem..!! back to what I was saying...

so why is it that im so angry at this person? I have no clue, but I think my ancestors in their furs, holding their war clubs are up there somewhere...hollering at me to crush this lil rat...

i wish they would not entice me so...

weird post huh? I know, i just wanted to put this out here..

neway,

catcha later..

magus.