the nature of man..

in this post I shall take a deviation from my previous plan, the description hang zhou shall be in the next one..

i feel the need to put certain things down here..and now I shall proceed to  do so..

does anyone help anyone else anymore? well yea, your family will always be there to help you. That first circle of friends whom you can actually trust, they're gonna help you.. but other than that...not really..

I mean you can try and be a good guy, going around doing people favors...but just be careful in that never ever expect anything in return..

expectations are going to trip you up every single time..

I'm a dreamer I make no secret of this fact, when i meet a new person, and I feel like I wanna get to know them better, my stupid naive brain starts creating scenarios in my head about where things might lead.. be it in a friend sense or in a deeper sense..

this has never done me any good, I try to be a nice guy, i help people out when i can, and TRY not to expect anything in return, but i cant help it in a few cases I guess...

but recently most of those cases have been backfiring in my face real bad... and im starting to get real depressed...which is bad, since as it is I dont place much value in my existence..

at this moment I cna safely say that the following are the only two reasons why i continue to struggle on against life...

1. my family..

2. my faint, weak, pathetic hope that life might mean something more than hit after hit...punch after kick...

i need to become someone, and i need to make sure that my folks are cared for in the best possible manner, and i also want to ensure that my little brother grows up to become a much better man than I could ever hope to be....in fact, i firmly believe that as soon as I achieve these goals the raison d'etre, reason for existence for me...will dissolve into nothingness...

i wonder what i will do then..

without purpose without direction...

there used to be a time when every instinct in me would cry out against reality, telling me that there had to be something more than what my horizons were showing to me...but now, they are too tired to resist the press of reality anymore...

they sit silent and shackled in the prison which is my being..

their only source of light, my soul which burns slowly..

it is not in sorrow that I write these lines

i write this in grim acceptance of what life truly seems to be...

if there are any gods out there, hear my plea, save me please...help me live, help me breathe, because its getting too hard...

magus.