I am going to graduate real soon and am going to be starting a full time job for the first time in my life. The very knowledge that you are locked in to start a job is venomous, and I do not mean in the "keel over and die" sense of that word. These past few weeks have seen me becoming more carefree in the way I spend money and this is a very very bad thing when seen from my eyes.
I purchased a TV/Monitor because my mother and brother had initially thought of coming over and staying with me for a while. These plans were cancelled because my current living arrangements do not encourage any thoughts of hospitality of any level.
The effect of the cancellation is that I am now proud owner of a TV/Monitor which it looks like I bought for my own leisure while in reality I had procured it for my mother. No complaints however since I love the thing.
The behavior that worries me though is not this. I have been looking at buying a game console to use with the TV. Chief excuse for this, generated in my caffeine-addled excuse for a brain, goes along the lines of not leaving the TV/Monitor idle.
I also started looking at cars to take me to and bring me back from my intended workplace. The point of "What the hell!!" came when I found myself making plans to call a dealer to talk about buying a twelve thousand dollar sports car. I do not know what is coming over me.
I can fight it for sure and am doing so even as I write this. I went to the super market and managed not to go on a shopping spree, and I consider this to be a major victory.
So, in order to remain myself, I have decided to use the public transit system for as long as humanly possible and only consider getting a car if no other option presents itself. The game console idea is going to be harder to fight since I am a video game aficionado.
Now more than ever I feel like I am in the middle of a rapidly flowing stream and I know not where the waters take me. Sad thoughts have been surfacing in my mind concerning me growing up. I do have problems with change, and this is something that became infinitely clear to me when my mother and brother considered moving to dubai to join my father. At one point I called my best friend and cried to him about how nothing would ever be the same again.
He asked me what I was talking about.
I started quoting things like "Never again shall I sit there at the dining table in the evening, drinking coffee and talking to my mom and irritating my brother"...and so on...specific instances, which required specific configurations of people doing specific activities. It seems that I desire the threads of others people's lives to be wound around my own, which is under the best conditions an insane requirement.
Now, since I cant whine to my best friend anymore, I started thinking about the complaints in my mind.
One jewel that came to me today as I was standing out in the afternoon sun was that never again can I enjoy standing around doing nothing on a weekday afternoon and that sucked. This thought self amplified and within no time I found myself sad.
So, am I growing up? I have not the slightest idea. I am moving up through the phases, this much is plain to see. I was a school student, then came engineering, now post grad comes to a close, and my career phase starts. However, even though the various phases come and go, I still pretty much feel like the same kid who never wanted to go to school on monday and who jumped in joy whenever some political party or labor union called a hartal (Strike) which resulted in a school holiday. The school student who went to engineering college expecting something great and who had the crap kicked out of his expectations. The disillusioned kid who went on to do masters without ever really knowing why. The master of science engineer, still a kid, who goes on to start a job....the tale continues....
Posting after a long time...hope to keep this up..
(P.S: to future nikhil when you read this...and no this is not a reference to how-i-met-your-mother....."dude, did you ever get the eclipse??" )
Magus.
